Who Me? Couldn’t Be: Finding Efficacy When the Imposter Syndrome is Too Real

Do you remember that game when you were younger, singing about the cookie jar? 

Melanie stole the cookie from the cookie jar.

Who me?

Yes, you

Couldn’t be

Then who?

Now that I have you reliving your glory days back in kindergarten, come back and think about right now. Have you ever questioned yourself, let the doubt in your subconscious impede your ability to take on a project or initiative? Or what about when you are seeking a new job or a promotion at work? In these and similar situations, do you find yourself low on confidence? This post is dedicated to anyone and everyone who questions their own worth, particularly in the job search process. By focusing on that one part of the cookie jar song- “Who me? Couldn't Be!”, it is my hope that you will believe me when I say “yes, you”; reminding you to go out and get it, put yourself out there.

Efficacy is a topic that I was first introduced to last semester in my leadership course.  From my understanding, efficacy is the belief that I, as an individual, am capable of that with which I put my best effort and abilities toward. But that definition feels very broad, so let's use an example.

As a second year Master’s student, preparing to graduate in May (thank the Lord!), I am in the process of applying for jobs. I should add here that I recently, went through a very intense but exciting search process where I made it to the on-campus interview stage. It was  just myself and one other candidate for a position that I would have really liked to have. I mean I dreamed about this job when I went to sleep at night and often imagined what life would be like in this role at least once per day. Well that position did not work out for me, and that is okay. I know the person that got hired and they are going to be fantastic! However as I reflect on my this last search process and think about the current one I am in the middle of, I cannot help but reflect on the internal struggles that I was facing and still face today. I was and still am suffering big time from the imposter syndrome, a term used to describe someone who is unable to internalize their own accomplishments and value.

If I am being real with myself, and totally vulnerable with you, I have always suffered from the imposter syndrome, I just never had words until recently to articulate it. Ever since I was in middle school, yes middle school, I was taught to be competitive in sports, get the best grades, have perfect attendance and be involved in extracurricular activities.  I grew up in Chicago and admission to the top high schools in the city was extremely competitive. It was actually just like the college admission process with an application, testing and writing sample required. So in 6th through 8th grade I remember thinking that I needed to get super involved just to make sure I was able to get into my top choice high school.

In the end, I got into my top choice high school and it was great. I loved my school. But looking back, I barely enjoyed being a kid because I was so worried about getting a job, volunteering, playing sports, and being the president of a club-all so I could increase my chance of getting into a good college. In fact, senior year, I was so stressed that I had a panic attack one morning before school- I couldn't breathe, I was sweating, hyperventilating and crying all at the same time. High school wasn't supposed to be that way.

As you can guess the pattern goes, college was the same for me, doing the most to be recognized for my efforts and secure admission into postgraduate schooling. I worked two jobs every single year of college, I pledged a sorority and became the President, I founded an organization and co-chaired the University’s first ever Black student leadership conference...just to name a few things. I did it all! But when I look back, I cannot help but think, what was it all for?

Unfortunately old habits die hard and even during my year and a half thus far in graduate school, I have once again pushed my limits, getting involved in everything under the sun to make my resume shine and make myself stand out whenever I apply for a job. My family and friends attribute my busyness to being an overachiever, “You have always been that way,” my mom tells me. But the more I engage in reflection, I am realizing that I get involved in all of these activities because yes, I do enjoy learning new things and expanding my horizons. But deep down, I am overcompensating for that fact that I do not feel like I am enough. I am not good enough if I am not doing everything. Someone will only see me as a qualified candidate if they see all of my great accomplishments, instead of basing their opinions on who I am as a person. And then these feelings are compounded by the fact that I am a Black woman and I let myself take on the weight of the stigmas and oppressions that come along with those identities.

I have had to look at myself in the mirror and realize that I am insecure with me. And that is a difficult thing to admit to. I have not yet learned my own personal value, so I seek ways to be validated through my accolades. And I have to say, thus far it has been working for me. People say things like, “I don't know how you do it!” Or, “Of course you will get a great job, look at all the things you've done.” So it feels like others are affirming my imposter syndrome.

You may be wondering, how does any of this relate back to efficacy? Well the truth is that I clung to this concept most in my learnings about leadership development because it felt the most real for me in my present situation. Efficacy is what I feel like I am missing. I can pretend to have confidence any day, during interviews with anyone. However, I cannot seem to convince myself of my own worthiness as I can convince others. As I move further in this job search process, I desire to create a stronger sense of self-efficacy for myself. A belief in my deepest core that I am strong, I am resilient, and most importantly, I am enough.

I wrote this piece as a reminder to myself that I am enough, in fact, I am more than enough. And I want to use my story to share with you, yes you, that you too are enough and more than capable. Do not shy away from negotiating those benefits, or applying for that job that pays $10,000 more. Life is too short, and I will not settle. After all, the worst someone can say is no. And being that I have already been told no once, my next step is to get back out there and see who is willing to say yes!

Alyscia Raines is a second year graduate student at Loyola University Chicago, studying Higher Education. In addition to being enrolled as a full-time student, Alyscia also holds a graduate assistant position in the office of Residence Life at Loyola, working as an Assistant Resident Director. In her spare time, Alyscia enjoys taking long naps, going out to eat brunch and spending time with friends and family. Feel free to follow Alyscia on Twitter @Lyscie.