The Transformation of Self Through Research

During October 2015, I embarked on a research project that explored the racialized experiences of multiracial student affairs professionals. I aim for research to be transformative. Prior to this study, my belief in transformative research was geared more toward raising critical consciousness for (other) people, institutions, and organizations. However, after the first week of data collection, it was clear that this research had, and would continue to transform my consciousness and identity. Each multiracial administrator openly shared narratives that caused me to step back and reflect on my own understandings of multiraciality, white privilege, intersectionality, and other concepts I thought I firmly grasped. As I (re)analyze the data from this research, I continue to be transformed by the words and lives of the 24 individuals who shared their experiences. In this blog post, I highlight three ways in which my frame of reference shifted, and continues to shift, throughout this project.

Do I have white privilege? Prior to this study, I rarely asked myself the question, “Do I have white privilege?” Or perhaps, it was that I knew I needed to ask myself the question, but was not willing to go there. White privilege was something that I wrote about, something that I taught about, but not something that I held or experienced.

Participants who identified with white heritage mentioned their white/light privilege and how it played out within predominantly white institutions. For instance, one individual questioned, “What role does privilege play in my life in terms of my phenotype and things like that…?” They went on to express that their privilege, as a lighter skinned individual, which stemmed from having a white parent, made them less likely to be gunned down by police, less likely to be followed around while shopping, and less likely to be seen as threatening by their white colleagues. This was a privilege other people of color, specifically with darker skin, did not have. This narrative, and ones similar to it, urged me  to do my own work around my white heritage and white privilege. One administrator with white and latino heritage expressed, “[Whiteness] is the reality of my existence, so I cannot just be defensive about it. I can feel defensive, but it’s not productive or helpful for me or for others, to react to my whiteness in a negative way because then I’m also racist…”

I do not have a firm answer for the question, “Do I have white privilege?” I struggle with saying, “Yes” simply (or perhaps not so simply) because white privilege is reserved for those that are deemed white. And while I am read as light in many contexts, I am not white. However, participants’ stories, and my resulting reflection on those stories, have guided me to own the privileges that stem from my white heritage. For instance, having a white mother played a large role in my education and relationships with teachers throughout my k-12 education (see Davis, 2016). Additionally, the privileges that were historically given to lighter skinned black/white individuals, such as access to education, jobs, and other resources, influence the privileges I receive today (Hunter, 2005). Aligning with my participants words, I acknowledge that my lighter phenotype and “more” European features provides me access to spaces and places that other people of color (including darker skinned multiracial individuals) may not be able to access. It is also crucial to understand that the unearned privileges that are bestowed on specific populations of people of color, beyond multiracial people, at different times in history are part of a system that upholds white supremacy. Not acknowledging the privilege that stems from my white heritage supports this system.

I also struggle with saying, “Yes” to the “Do I have white privilege?” question  because white privilege entails not having to think about your race. You see yourself reflected in faculty meetings, on campus, and in media- in a non-exoticized, non-tokenized fashion. You don’t perpetually think, “Did they say that because I am [insert race]?” One multiracial administrator echoed my thoughts. He asserted, “White privilege is about never having to think about your race and that’s not what it’s been for me…as a multiracial individual I always have anxiety about my racial identity. I am always thinking about it.” As a multiracial woman, I am forever questioning and acknowledging that my race (and gender, age, and other identities) always play into my work and life. I do not and cannot walk in this world, through my campus, not thinking about and encountering race, racialization, and (mono)racism.

I continue to think about and reflect on the question of white privilege, as dodging the issue is “not productive or helpful for me or for others.” It would also be hypocritical for me to teach, research, and talk about white privilege, expecting others to grapple with the concept, while I remain unconscious of my own privileges, white/light and otherwise. I hope that this self-work supports coalition building between communities of color, rather than furthers the wedge of white supremacist ideology, specifically that of white/light beauty, between communities of color. This liminal space is a tricky one to exist in.

Can we get a drink? After several interviews, once I turned off the recorder, I asked participants something to the effect of, “When can we meet? Will you be at NASPA? Let’s get a drink!” Put simply, this study made me realize how much I needed a space and a place to be, learn, and coalesce with other multiracial people in the academy. I did not know, or perhaps forgot that I needed this space because it’s been such a long time (since college) that I have had a place like this to coalesce.

Several participants expressed the same feeling. Near the end of every interview, I asked administrators, “What do you need to feel supported in this work?” The overwhelming response was “space.” One participant expressed, “We need to start spaces for people-to give voice to their experience and I don’t see those spaces,” while another stated, “Creating and carving out and giving support and resources to having mixed race spaces, I think is pretty critical.” This space did not need to be physical, it could be a metaphysical space in which multiracial people felt acknowledged and validated. Space like the one we had in the interviews- to realize “I’m not alone in the borderlands. I am not the only one who experiences this.”

The space crafted in the interviews was particularly important at a time when racial tensions were, and still are, visibly high on the college campus and in society. The sociohistorical (#Blacklivesmatter) and campus (Mizzou) contexts in the fall often influenced participants’ feelings that they were not legitimate people of color. Several multiracial professionals, who identified their skin as “light”, acknowledged that their bodies may not be policed the same way that darker-skinned bodies are policed. This caused administrators to question how they may advocate for, support, and program around monoracial black and brown students without fully understanding the experiences of these students and/or “taking up too much space as a lighter skinned body.” At the same time, multiracial administrators were not immune to racism and racialization and found it necessary to find a way to coalesce with other people of color, specifically multiracial individuals. Having space to dialogue about racial (in)authenticty and how this plays out in our work on campus was and continues to be important for administrators’ wellness, and for the larger campus community.  

Not A Monolithic Group. I’ve often said “the multiracial population is not a monolithic group,” but this research changed my understanding of what exactly this statement means. For instance, 20 or the 24 participants identified with white heritage.  While several themes spanned across all 24 participants, regardless of racial heritage, some themes were specific to individuals with white heritage. When multiracial administrators were asked to reflect on the themes generated from the interview transcripts, participants without white heritage responded that some themes, such as accessing and disrupting white spaces, was not a part of their experience. As a multiracial individual with white heritage, it was important for me to hear this feedback and incorporate it into current and future research concerning multiraciality. Beyond research, these reflections from multiracial peoples with no white heritage caused me to think, “How intriguing that I feel so connected to multiracial people and ‘multiraciality’ yet I am so far removed from knowing the experiences of multiracial peoples without white heritage.” Writing this now, these musings seem obvious. This research furthered my understanding of multiraciality and the need for us, scholars and practitioners, to avoid the urge to essentialize the multiracial community as a monolithic group.

It was also transformative to learn more about the unique ways in which racial heritage situates different multiracial individuals. Individuals with native heritage spoke at length about what it meant to be registered, or not registered, with a tribe and how this impacted their (multi)racial identity. Those with black heritage explored what it meant to be lighter skinned because they were mixed with another racial identity and how this skin color impacted the exoticization they encountered from colleagues on campus. Digging deeper, we see how the intersections of racial heritage are further nuanced by the intersections of social identity. For instance, continuing with the previous example, it was only women, and not men, with black heritage that expressed exoticization. It is important that we account for the intersections of social identities and racial heritages for multiracial individuals in research and practice. We must intentionally honor the intricate nuances and cultures that are within the multiracial population- if we do not, we risk the maintenance of pushing multiraciality to the margins.

This research transformed the way that I approach and think about several topics, including multiraciality, white privilege, and intersectionality. It also provided me a great deal to think about in terms of future research and how I conduct that research. I am so grateful to the individuals who shared their experiences with me. I look forward to writing, presenting, and publishing the findings in hopes that I, as well as other individuals, institutions, and organizations can learn from and be transformed by these narratives.  

References

Davis, T.M. (2016). Parental race as symbolic and social capital: Teacher evaluations as part-white biracial and monarchal minority students. Race Ethnicity and Education, 19(2), 339-367.

Hunter, M. L. (2005). Race, gender, and the politics of skin tone. New York: Routledge.

Jessica C. Harris is a Visiting Assistant Professor in the Department of Educational Leadership and Policy Studies at the University of Kansas. Through her research, Jessica critiques interlocking systems of oppression that are embedded in U.S. higher education and lead to educational and social inequities for people of color and their communities. Jessica can be reached at [email protected].