Own It! (Repost)

This is a repost from November 30, 2011.  Happy 2016 everyone!
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Recently at a conference, I was approached by one of my mentees. She asked me to have coffee one morning during the conference, something that my Starbucks gold card status will tell you I am MORE than happy to do on a regular basis. As we sat down to our respective overpriced (and in my opinion underappreciated) espresso drinks of choice, my talented mentee uttered these words, “I just want you to know that I would never be where I am today if it hadn’t been for you. You made all this possible – you changed my life.” Now on the surface, this was touching. I know her well enough to know she was attempting to convey a deep appreciation for the years we have known each other, and for the many conversations of support and encouragement we have had via email, social media, and at various conferences and meetings throughout the years. And at first, that’s just how I took it. But the more I thought about it, the more sad I became. Let me explain. I am not sad for my connection with this younger professional, for she has enriched my own development and she is a wonderful colleague. Nor am I sad that she took the initiative to let me know what she was feeling. It takes courage to thank someone – it’s hard, and we oftentimes fumble through it. More often than not, we simply neglect or forget to do it, so I appreciate that she took the initiative to express her own thanks. What made me sad was that with her choice of words, she gave all the credit to me – and none to herself. Read her words again: “I just want you to know that I would never be where I am today if it hadn’t been for you. You made all this possible – you changed my life.” When I read these words, I see someone who has devalued her role in her own success. As she has advanced in her career and her professional association of choice, the words she used did nothing to acknowledge and celebrate what SHE has done, the work SHE has put in, or the achievements SHE has made. By not claiming ownership of her success - she devalued herself. I know what the research says. Women are socialized to place relationships above self-interest -  to be includers and peacemakers.  Therefore, we are quick to give credit to others before we take any credit ourselves. We are the first to say, “It was a team effort”, “I couldn’t have done this without you” and “All of us are better than one of us.” Sometimes these statements are true – no one succeeds in a total vacuum – but we cannot continue to deflect our achievements because we are (as research also points out) afraid of upsetting others who have not achieved what we have achieved. All this does is devalue our unique talents and contributions, and in turn, continues a cycle in which women do not feel individually worthy of credit, success and achievement. In short, we make ourselves feel less-than in order to make others feel better. So what does this mean? Does it mean that we shouldn’t acknowledge the support that others give us? Should we completely disavow the contributions others make in our lives and our careers? Absolutely not. What I’m saying is that you have to balance your gratitude with owning your success.  What I desperately wanted my mentee to understand and own is that SHE did this. SHE paved her way. SHE did the heavy lifting and SHE is the one who deserves full credit for her achievements, awards, positions, scholarships, publications, etc. I know we don’t “do it alone” but others don’t do it for us. We are present in every one of our successes – so why don’t we own it? Let’s take the statement from my mentee again, but this time, rephrase it in a way that doesn’t devalue her own role in her achievement: “Thank you so much for the support you’ve provided me over these few years. I’m proud of my accomplishments and so appreciate the role you have played in my successful development as a professional.” This statement acknowledges and appreciates my role as mentor, but clearly identifies both the success and accomplishment as HERS. Ladies, it’s time to own what we’ve accomplished. Remember this – when it comes down to it you are responsible for you. Give credit when it is appropriate, but acknowledge and take credit for your own success. YOU did this. Enjoy it. Own it. Make it YOUR time – and don’t apologize for any of it. I know this will be hard. But when it gets hard, remember these words: “Our power lies in claiming it, and acting accordingly.” – Helene Lerner Claiming that power means owning your success. So do it, and encourage other women to do the same. We’ll all be better off for it. Now, who’s with me?

Dr. Julie Payne-Kirchmeier is the Associate Vice President for Auxiliary Services at Northwestern University.